You Marry Who You Know

     My grandfather used to say, “You marry who you know”.  When I was young, this seemed blindingly obvious; now, it seems apt.  You do marry who you know, and most people know people like themselves, and so marry people like themselves.  Humans marry assortively, which means that they pick mates that resemble them, and they make this selection along an impressive number of traits, including intelligence, race, religion, class, beliefs, hobbies, personality traits, smoking, drinking, weight, height, even lung volume.

     In 1986, David Buss from the University of Michigan and Michael Barnes from Yale published a study, ‘Preferences in Human Mate Selection’, which examines the characteristics that human select for, and the traits that come along with those characteristics.

     Buss and Barnes interviewed 92 married couples (all heterosexual, from what I can tell), and subjected them to a battery of personality tests.  Their findings confirm many of this author’s private and ungenerous suspicions, which makes them the best kind of findings:

  • Traits that women value more than men include: honest, dependable, fond of children, well-liked by others, good earning capacity, and tall.

  • Traits that men value more than women are: physically attractive, good looking, good cook, and frugal.

  • Men and women who especially want kind-considerate partners are more likely to be emotionally reliant and to score high on the feminine end of the spectrum.

  • Women who “scored high on this preference factor [kind-considerate] tended to score in the neurotic and submissive direction”.

  • Women who value “professional status” in their husbands “tended to score low on CPI Tolerance, CPI Achievement via Independence, CPI Intellectual Efficiency, and Psychological Mindedness…IDS Emotional Reliance and Machiavellianism.”  The authors note dryly that perhaps these women “seek in mates attributes that they themselves do not possess”.

  • Women who want politically conservative husbands tend to get poor grades in college, have bad SAT scores, and to be very feminine.

  • Men who want politically conservative wives tend to be masculine, dominant, and tall.

  • Women who wanted easygoing-adaptable husbands were then surprised to learn that their mates were “unambitious”.

  • The husbands of wives who preferred kind-considerate husbands “appeared to be weak, unassertive, and socially passive”.

  • Women who wanted “socially exciting” husbands got “husbands who are somewhat undercontrolled and underachieving”.

  • Men who wanted artistic-intelligent wives married women who “scored high on…masculinity”.

  • Wives who wanted artistic-intelligent husbands got men who were “somewhat lazy, quarrelsome, emotional, feminine, and arrogant”.

  • Women who wanted husbands with high professional status tended to marry men who had small vocabularies.

  • Women who wanted politically conservative husbands married men who “appeared to be relatively tall and heavy”.

     So, to re-cap: women want tall men.  Men want women who can cook.  Women who marry conservatives are dumb.  Easy-going guys don’t get much done.  Artistic guys are needy and dickish.

     I knew it.

 

One thought on “You Marry Who You Know

  1. 92 couples seems like a relatively small n. Did the study discuss the background (age, nationality, ethnicity, religion, etc.) of the couples involved? If the couples were all selected from the same rotary club it kind of limits any extrapolation.

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